Whiny report date log February 4, 2007!

If you aren't in the mood for something whiny you probably don't want to read today's blog.

I think Job can explain exactly how I feel today:

6: 1-7 "If my misery could be weighed, if you could pile the whole bitter load on the scales,It would be heavier than all the sand of the sea! Is it any wonder that I'm screaming like a caged cat?The arrows of God Almighty are in me, poison arrows—and I'm poisoned all through! God has dumped the whole works on me.
8-13 "All I want is an answer to one prayer, a last request to be honored:Let God step on me—squash me like a bug, and be done with me for good.I'd at least have the satisfaction of not having blasphemed the Holy God, before being pressed past the limits.Where's the strength to keep my hopes up? What future do I have to keep me going?Do you think I have nerves of steel? Do you think I'm made of iron?Do you think I can pull myself up by my bootstraps? Why, I don't even have any boots!

You may be asking yourself why do I feel so down and depressed today. I think it's because I just keep itching all the time and the itching never stops unless I'm doing heavy drugs. I'm praying that it's just the weather, that because of the coldness and of the heaters being on all the time its just making my skin more dry. But I'm totally miserable and exhausted by all this. Each day I wake up and agonize over what can I wear today that won’t irritate my skin. I'm wearing pajamas to work. I'm wearing the same pants everyday and it's just been really tough on me. It takes my skin about 2 hours to calm down after I take a bath and before I can even concentrate on anything other than how miserable I feel. You may ask, why don't I get up earlier? Well if I go to bed before 11:30 p.m. then I wake up about 3:30 am and once I wake up, I wake up Keith and he can't go back to sleep. So in order for me to sleep until about 7am I can't go to sleep any earlier than 11:30 am and I'm trying to get to work by 9:30 (should be 9am) am at the latest! Which give me about an hour of totally misery. I'm sure people at work of sick of me! I warned you that this was going to be a very whiny blog, but I know in the end God is still good and He's getting at me through this.

Several things have happened this week to discourage me. One thing that happened was I had a horrible allergic reaction to some antibiotic cream that I put on my body. ALL OVER MY BODY. Because I'm scratching so much I have tiny cuts all over my body which in turn makes me itch more. The antibiotic cream, when I used it a couple of weeks ago actually helped clear up my body somewhat, but I'd forgotten that this cream caused an allergic reaction in me when I used it over a year ago; actually I have to confess I didn't really forget that, I was just praying that it wouldn't happen again. But it did and it totally wore me out on Thursday, Friday and Saturday (I slept until one Saturday afternoon). I was still wiped out today and hardly made it to church today and felt very uncomfortable and totally miserable with itching and my skin being so sensitive. In fact I wore flannel pj's turned inside out because the seam bothered me so much. It's back to 100% polyester pj's.

On top of all this my blood pressure kept rising so much that they had me put me on blood pressure medicine and which made me swell up like a little piggy. However once I took the diuretics I actually lost 8 pounds overnight. I still feel like my face is very puffy and that I look like a blockhead! This is not helping my self-esteem either. To top it all off everyone keeps telling me how good I look! HA! I wish I felt as good as I look to others. Actually what's even more frustrating is my skin is looking better. My arms, torso, and back are spouting new, real, honest skin! Now my legs are a different story. My legs have, well it's like large pebbles under my skin. Once I am settled down, my legs don't bother me until I move. Then it’s like the pebbles stretch my skin and pressing tight against my skin; on my thighs especially. It's very painful.

And you may be asking yourself what is going on with my early retirement disability? My paperwork had been sent to Employee Retirement System (ERS) sometime week. On Friday I decided to call the man who is supposed to be handling my account. When I called this is the message I heard on his answering machine "I have been assigned to a special project please call" and he left a number to call. So at this point I have no idea where my paperwork is or if anyone is even handling my account or has my paperwork. I am expecting a call sometime tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I'm looking forward to talking to someone soon.

Ok, now for some good news. I found out that I can keep Keith and the children on my insurance for what I'm paying right now which is only $401.00 a month (that's health and dental). This is such a blessing from the Lord because we won't have to worry about high deductibles or purchasing catastrophic insurance.

The next thing I'm about to share has mixed blessings. The other day one of my fellows, that is a doctor who's working with on my drug study, called me to check on how I was doing! Isn't it great when your doctor actually calls you without you prompting them? Anyway sweet Short-V dr., was asking how i was doing. I began telling her how bad I was itching and how miserable I was... you know whine, whine, whine! She asked me if I was doing the whirlpool baths. THE WHAT? I asked what whirlpool baths? This was the first I had ever heard about whirlpool baths. She informed me they gave these instructions to all their Sezary Syndrome patients! Oh yea? And were had my instructions been?? It seems I am to sit in a whirlpool bath from 15 to 30 minute with Hibiclens (an antibiotic type soap). Anyway, I should be taking these baths each night before I do my wraps! Though this is added an extra hour to our regiment every night, which makes it harder on my husband... more he has to do and the longer it takes. I can see some difference in my skin and it is kind of nice to lie in the bathtub and have the whirlpool buffet my skin! It helps the itching even if it's just while I'm in the tub but alas not once I'm out. You know I was thinking to myself what if I didn't have a Jacuzzi tub like I do? How would I make like a Jacuzzi? I guess you could throw your dog into the tub and have him dog paddle around for while, throw him out and get in while the water is still churning. See another blessing, God had us buy this house before we even knew I had a weird cancer! I'm certainly giving the whirlpool a work out!

Thanks for listening to me whine and forgive me if I’ve not replied to your e-mails or have called you lately!

P.S. special note to my mom if she reads this …. REALLY I’m ok, I just needed to vent a little! Even David, a man after God’s own heart whined once in a while!